My History is No Longer My Identity: A Solution to a Painful Childhood

Did you have an abusive childhood? As a child, were you the victim of sexual, verbal, or physical abuse? Were your earliest years lived amid chaos, conflict, substance abuse, neglect, poverty, or crime? Were these things such a part of your youngest years that they have become your identity? Do you find that tears come to your eyes at the thought or mention of those days…even 20, 30, 40, 50 or more years later…even if the people are long dead? It may be true that the intensity of this early conditioning and trauma has imprinted itself on you and your brain to such a degree that it has essentially become your identity.

It is your identity if:

• You use it as a context to explain your current behaviors, especially not performing to your abilities.
• You consistently and constantly reference it to describe your “specialness”.
• You make self-limiting choices now because of these “ancient” experiences.
• Anyone who knows you needs to understand your background to get close to you.
• You feel that you’re “entitled” to unique treatment or behavior because of having been traumatized.
• You must mention your background everywhere you go.
• You believe you have suffered unusually more than others…entitling you to “kid glove” treatment.
• You still suffer regularly and often from the experience.
• You believe others have been so much more blessed than you.
• You have multiple ways you let these past experiences rob you of a fully expressed life now.
• You are easily traumatized in present day life.

If you recognize yourself in these statements, it could be that you are robbing yourself of a great life now, by not realizing that you have let your history become your identity. This does not mean anything bad about you or who you are. It is a fairly common occurrence and may just be a natural part of the human animal. It is simply an unconscious way that humans let the past control their present and their future.
Here are some things you can do to change your past from being your identity to simply being your history:

1. Bring these behaviors to consciousness by paying attention to any way you limit yourself now because of your past.
2. If you need help, seek out an excellent therapist. Get referrals from people you trust. If the first session is not spectacular, keep “shopping” for a therapist, until you get the feeling that you have “found the one”. Don’t settle for someone average or second rate. Go to therapy as long as you need to resolve your issues. There’s a great life on the other end of this work.
3. Start to notice when you find yourself needing to tell the story again to new people, and see how it feels “not to go there”.
4. Consider modifying your behavior by not repeating the story again, but instead, identifying yourself in a new way.
5. Having this type of history does not mean anything bad about you. It just means that you had the misfortune of never having known a normal loving family. It is better to have compassion for the child that you were.
6. Make a point of choosing people, places and things that validate you and support you and help you grow in the ways you want to grow.
7. Realize that you have a responsibility to yourself to create the type of “intentional family” that you wish you had had as a child. Go to those types of places where caring, loving people are. Keep showing up and make a point of “putting yourself out there” to connect with others.
8. Realize that many people who have had painful childhoods punish themselves with various forms of substance abuse. If this describes you, get help. There are no solutions (and certainly no happy lives) in the bottom of a bottle.
9. Know that it is possible to completely heal from a horrible childhood. It is not easy. It takes a lot of work, but the happiness and joy are worth it. Don’t let “them” steal a wonderful life from you.

Just because you have allowed your history to become your identity does not mean that your whole life has to be like this. It is possible to deactivate these traumatic events, release this old identity, and have it just be simply your history. Take back control of your present and your future.

About the Author: Suzi Elton is a success coach working with highly creative types to create income that matches their talent.She has coached hundreds of clients to approach their goals strategically through tiny steps to bring about quantum leaps. Get free Life Purpose exercises, at http://mylifepurposecoaching.com.