Last week I attended a briefing about a pre-degree program offered by a local public university (MPU).  A father asked the Head of the Program whether there was any different between the program offered by MPU and the one offered by other universities. The Head told the assembly that there was no different except that MPU offered one extra subject and their certificate was recognized by some foreign universities. The father said that he felt cheated because he was made to understand that the program offered by MPU was the best in Malaysia.

If you were the father, what is “the best” to you? Is it from other people perception or from your own judgement based on the information available to you? Is it based on popularity or the traits of the program (or person)?

This seems to be the source of problems in our life. We evaluate things (or person) according to perception, standard (need) and ideal set by the community. In the above case, the father believed that the program offered by MPU was the best and he wanted the confirmation from the Head. The “no different” answer made him felt that he was cheated by his friends. He wanted the best for his son. What he wanted to hear from the Head was “Yes, our program is the best”.

When he heard a different answer from what he had expected, he felt frustrated and got stuck. His mind and his inner voice (conscience) can’t see what was there. He heard what the Head of the Program said but he was not present to it. He heard but he doesn’t listen. He wanted to hear the magic word “YES”. He was not present to what actually the Head wanted to convey (it was not proper for him to say that the program offered by his university is better than other public universities) that was, recognition by some foreign universities which allow the graduates to further their study there.

Expectation, standard and ideal is what always hinders us from appreciating and accepting something or someone the way it is or he/she is. If it is left unchecked, it will leave a negative impact on us. You will feel unfulfilled, angry, lost of vitality, unhappy, and so on….

I just came back from a 2-day “The Heart of Coaching Workshop” led by Thomas Crane, a world-renowned consultant, facilitator and author of best selling book “The Heart of Coaching”. You can download (free) the first 3 chapters of the book HERE (Right click and choose “Save Target As..” or “Save Link As…”).

What I like most about Tom’s coaching concept, which is called “Transformational Coaching”, is the shift from traditional coaching, which is about finding what’s wrong and fixing it, to an approach where emotional intelligence is the heart of it. It is about being present, committed, courageous, empowering, partner and compassionate.

When Tom talks about listening (or being present), I become present again to how I was being before. I remember that a few years ago, my wife always told me that I don’t listen when she was talking to me. At that time I don’t have a slightest idea why she said I don’t listen when I perfectly hear every word she said. That was in the past, I thought I heard every word she said. Now I’m clear about it, last time I do hear her but I don’t listen. I was not present to what she was saying, I was listening to the voice in my head and making the decision before she could finish her sentence. This maybe one of the reason why our relationship was not as we would like it to be.

Listening is a skill. It is acquired through learning and practising. Normally when some one talk to us, we hear what they said but we listen to the voice in our head. We can’t shut down that voice, it will always be there. However we have a choice, whether to listen or ignore it. What I normally do to listen to others is to make a clearing for it by making a declaration to myself to put aside what ever I’m doing or having in mind at that time. If it is necessary, I’ll request for 3 minutes or more to clear it up. After that I can intentionally listen to what the person want to say. I noticed that it is easier for me to focus on what the person wanted to say and I’m not judging him/her as I used to. I feel much more relaxed and I can feel the shift in our relationship.

Another human behavior that was discussed at the workshop is what Tom called “The Belief Cycle”. We created story based on our assumption made from the observation of what happened. We judge the person based on the story that we made and believe it.

This “Belief Cycle” was driving my life before. It affects my life and my relationship with people around me. When something happened, my reaction was always based on my belief of what happened.

Let me give you an example; my daughter didn’t score any ‘A’ in her school examinations. The assumption that I made was she didn’t study hard enough and my story was she didn’t care about her study. I labeled her as lazy. I looked for the evidence to support my judgement about her. Sure I can find a lot of evidence; she was watching TV all the time, she was on the phone all day, she was chit chatting with her friends, so on and so forth….

What was my reaction or behavior? I started to fix her since I want her to do well in her SPM examination, qualification required to further her study. I “forced” her to study, limit her TV time, telephone time, etc. However she didn’t score any “A” in the examination. I have to send to private college to do her diploma because she could not get a place at public university (the first choice for most Malaysian parents).

When she was in the college, I always remind her to study hard and get good grade so that she can enter public university. When she came back for semester break; I’ll fix her when it occurred to me that she didn’t study but wasting her time. In semester 5, she only managed to get CGPA of 2.95. CGPA of at least 3.00 is required to be considered for a place in public university. That was when I knew about separating (detaching) the story added from what happened. When I tried it on, my belief changed and I stopped fixing her. I told her that I have confidence in her and believe she will be accepted into public university to do her degree. AND I told her that I love her no matter what happened. She was inspired and no longer be the person I “wanted” her to be (lazy). She managed to get CGPA 3.05 in her final semester (semester 6) examination.