One of my colleagues (Sherry, not real name) came to see me yesterday morning. She looked very angry. I asked her what’s up. She told me that her neighbor, let’s call her Jane, was driving her crazy and what she should do about it.

When I asked her what happened, she told me about the problem she had with the Jane’s cat. Sherry and Jane live next to each other in a neighborhood where the compound surface is covered with tarmac, thus there’s no place for the cat to shit except in the flower pots. All Sherry’s plants died because of the cat’s droppings. She also always found scratches and patches of urine stains on the roof of her car. She complained to Jane about the cat and told her to get a proper cage for it. Jane replied that the cat was not hers.

Yesterday morning Jane asked Sherry where the cat was in a raised voice. Sherry told her that she had sent the cat far away. Jane screamed at Sherry calling her mad woman and threw obscene words and vulgarism at her. They ended up in heated argument. Sherry told me that she can’t stand Jane anymore and wanted to move out from her house.

This is not the first time Sherry had an argument with Jane. It has been going on for quite some time. I asked her to see deep inside what really made her have arguments with Jane. Is it really about the cat’s doing or what Jane had said, or is it something that is hidden from her.

What I saw was both of them wanted to be right. Both of them were trying to proof that they are right, hence the argument.

Sherry’s intention was to keep her flower plants grow healthily and her house look tidy. She was upset because her intention was thwarted by the cat. She expected Jane to look after the cat and give it toilet training. These was communicated in such away that making Jane felt she was “wrong”. Jane defense mechanism was automatically engaged and “the cat was not mine” was the first action.

Sherry response was, “since the cat is a stray cat, I put it away where it belongs”.

Jane point of view was she needs to be kind to the cat, give it food and let it roam freely. Sherry’s action was unacceptable to her, thus she lashed out at her.

My advice to Sherry was for her to give up the need to be right, especially when she is very sure that she is right, and choose kindness. She will feel peaceful inside. You don’t have to worry about defending you are right, which is stressful. I’m not suggesting we should not stand up for what we believe in. But if it is about ego, think again. Do you want to have inner peace or keep the right to be right?

The second point is Sherry wanted to avoid domination by Jane. She wants to be in control of her life, the tidiness of her house and compound, and not being told of what to do. She doesn’t want to be the way Jane wanted her to be. It is so stressful in being controlling or avoiding being controlled. What do I suggested? Just drop it and have inner peace, or you can drag it as long as you like until you feel it is time.

The third thing that got people into argument is the feeling of being invalidated. We want to be important. Sherry felt that the “freedom” of the stray cat is far more important than her wish or desire to have a beautiful compound and environment.

This was not the first time Sherry got into situation like this. There were a few time when she was in the same situation with friends and colleagues. My advice to her, choose. Being right or being happy. The two can’t coexist

I’ve been driving to work for the past 24 years. At least two hours of my life were spent on the road five days a week. I live in Shah Alam City and working in Kuala Lumpur City, 25km away. There are three highways linking Shah Alam and Kuala Lumpur. However, traffics are almost bumper to bumper during the morning and evening rush hours. The 25km journey normally took me 45 minutes. If there is downpour or other situation that slowing down the traffics, the journey may take about 2 hours. Can you imagine the amount of stress that I have to go through every day to get to my office before 9.00am or to get home early for dinner with family members?

The aggressiveness of other drivers such as weaving in and out of the lanes, changing lane at the very last minute before exiting the highway and cutting queues at the toll booths, made me very angry, and some time I show them the one finger sign. Don’t they realize that their behavior can cause road accident? Malaysia is one of the countries that have high road accident and fatality rate. Don’t they watch the news?

Swearing at aggressive drivers has become my way of being. I was not present to it until more than a year ago. My family and I were on an evening drive when a lorry cut in dangerously in front of us and my 9 year old daughter cursed at the driver. It was a reflection of me and I’m not going to let it continuing affecting my daughter.

I look inside myself to find out why I always angry and stress up when I was caught up in traffic jam or facing rude drivers. It was clear to me that it was not the traffic jam or the drivers behavior that made me stress and angry, but my way of being. I was making the drivers wrong for their aggressive driving and the government wrong for not providing a good public transportation system to address the congestion problem. When I gave up making the drivers and the government wrong, I found peace inside me.

Traffic congestion is not a problem to me anymore. I have more time to enjoy music when I was caught up in a jam. Aggressive driver? I pity them; they might get high blood pressure, bad mood and a faster wear and tear on their vehicles. I’ll continue practising giving up making other wrong, especially when I’m sure that I’m right.

Being right was so important to me. I didn’t realize it until recently. Recently my modem was out of order after a lightning strike. I’m using telephone line for my internet access and the modem was connected to the line through a splitter.

My son and I went to buy a new modem and when we got home, I right away plug in the new modem to the splitter. We tested it and found out that it didn’t work.

“What could be the problem?” I asked my son.

“Try connecting direct to the phone jack, maybe the splitter is out of order too,” replied my son.

I did what my son has suggested and it work. Then it came to my mind that the old modem might still working. The problem was only with the splitter. Then I disconnected the new modem and connected the old modem to the phone jack. It was confirmed that the old modem was not working.

“Yahooooo,” my son and me yelled simultaneously.

Later that day I was asking myself why we were so happy. I realized that we want to be right in our decision to buy the new modem.

Being right was so important to most people. We want to be right almost all the time and we spent an enormous amount of mental energy defending our position. When we want to be right, we are making someone else wrong. The other person will be on defensive and this often created strain in the relationship between that person and us. It doesn’t mean that I’m suggesting you always give up your right to be right. There is situation where you need to defend your position. However most of the time it is about ego. You can give up your ego and people in your life will become less defensive and more loving.

Being right or be happy? Most of the time, the two doesn’t happen at the same time. It’s your choice.