I was about to have my breakfast when my boss called me on the cell-phone one morning. He asked me where I am and I told him that I’m having my breakfast in the canteen. He then asked me whether I have finished the breakfast or just starting. I told him that I was about to start and asked him what’s up. He told me it was about the project that I was managing. I then asked what’s wrong. He told me to carry on with the breakfast because he was worried that I will lose my appetite if he tells me what’s wrong.

Have you ever been in a similar situation? What was your reaction? Did you lose your appetite?

In the past, if similar thing happens to me, I’ll quickly assume that I have done a blunder and I’m in big trouble. The boss will scold me and my performance report and chances for promotion will be affected. I would leave the canteen right away and go to see him to find out what’s wrong. But not this time, no lost of appetite. I finished my favorite breakfast and only then I went to see him.

I was told that our Chief Executive Officer was not happy with the progress of the project that I was managing. He wanted us to submit to him a comprehensive report on the issues that affecting the progress of work, a recovery plan to bring back the progress on track and a risk mitigation plan.

What was the difference between now and then? In the past, without realizing, I will add a story to what happened. The story that I added was I have done a blunder and I’m in big trouble, no chance for promotion. The story, based from past experiences, caused the feeling of anxiety and apprehension to arise thus making me losing the appetite.

Now I’m able to separate what has happened with the story I added. What happened was my boss said I’ll lose my appetite if he says what’s wrong with my project. The rest all stories I added to what happened.

Human beings are wired to add stories to what happened in their life. They will then make assumption and judgement of what happened, of the people involved. Then they take action or react to what happened base on the assumption or judgement made. They will then say life suck.

Learn to separate (and detach) what happened with the story you added to it, your life will be a life worth living.

I gain a lot from gift away joint-venture programs organized on the Internet. For those who are not familiar with it, it is a program where internet marketers give away products for free to the visitors who opted to be on the marketers e-mailing lists. Through the programs, I was able to download digital products without having to take out my credit card.

Last year I received an invitation to join one of the programs as a contributor or a JV partner. One of the condition set by the organizer is the contributor must have a mailing list consist of at least 1500 e-mail addresses. At first I thought I don’t want to apply because I only have a small mailing list. On the second thought, why not? I can practise taking “No” for answer.

A couple of year before that, taking “No” as an answer was a big issue for me. I always got upset when people say “No” to me. I was involved in multi level marketing at that time. My sponsor asked me to prepare a list of people who I know and later meet them to show the opportunity. After a few “No’ I stop doing the presentation. My sponsor motivated me and told me to learn to take “No” for an answer if I want to be successful. He told me that Colonel Sanders didn’t stop offering his secret recipe even after hundreds of “No”. If he stops after taking a few “No”, we won’t have Kentucky Fried Chicken now. Now go and show the plan, show the plan, show the plan…….

I was charged up for a few weeks, but the zest went down after that. My sponsor said that my belief system is not strong enough. I agreed with him although I don’t have a slightest idea how strong is strong. After a few months, the zest dies off together with my dream.

Later I realize that it is not the “No” that made me upset, but what I made “No” means. The meaning or the story that I made was I’m not good enough. That what made me upset, not the “No”. It was the same as the belief cycle that I mentioned in the posting before this. The person didn’t say “No’ to me, but to the offer that I made, at that time. He may say “Yes” in the future. We do not know when that “future” going to come, may be soon, may be not too soon. Not knowing is what thrilling us. Do you think it is interesting to watch the football game if you already know the score?

Going back to my application to be a contributor to the JV Program, it was approved. The product that I contributed was a 14-day e-course, “How to Overcome Fear”. You can sign up for the course free of charge through this LINK. Please act now, the link will be taken down two weeks from today. I charge US$7 for the registration to this e-course.

You can download one of the module, “How to Overcome Fear of Failure”, HERE (edited PDF version).

I just came back from a 2-day “The Heart of Coaching Workshop” led by Thomas Crane, a world-renowned consultant, facilitator and author of best selling book “The Heart of Coaching”. You can download (free) the first 3 chapters of the book HERE (Right click and choose “Save Target As..” or “Save Link As…”).

What I like most about Tom’s coaching concept, which is called “Transformational Coaching”, is the shift from traditional coaching, which is about finding what’s wrong and fixing it, to an approach where emotional intelligence is the heart of it. It is about being present, committed, courageous, empowering, partner and compassionate.

When Tom talks about listening (or being present), I become present again to how I was being before. I remember that a few years ago, my wife always told me that I don’t listen when she was talking to me. At that time I don’t have a slightest idea why she said I don’t listen when I perfectly hear every word she said. That was in the past, I thought I heard every word she said. Now I’m clear about it, last time I do hear her but I don’t listen. I was not present to what she was saying, I was listening to the voice in my head and making the decision before she could finish her sentence. This maybe one of the reason why our relationship was not as we would like it to be.

Listening is a skill. It is acquired through learning and practising. Normally when some one talk to us, we hear what they said but we listen to the voice in our head. We can’t shut down that voice, it will always be there. However we have a choice, whether to listen or ignore it. What I normally do to listen to others is to make a clearing for it by making a declaration to myself to put aside what ever I’m doing or having in mind at that time. If it is necessary, I’ll request for 3 minutes or more to clear it up. After that I can intentionally listen to what the person want to say. I noticed that it is easier for me to focus on what the person wanted to say and I’m not judging him/her as I used to. I feel much more relaxed and I can feel the shift in our relationship.

Another human behavior that was discussed at the workshop is what Tom called “The Belief Cycle”. We created story based on our assumption made from the observation of what happened. We judge the person based on the story that we made and believe it.

This “Belief Cycle” was driving my life before. It affects my life and my relationship with people around me. When something happened, my reaction was always based on my belief of what happened.

Let me give you an example; my daughter didn’t score any ‘A’ in her school examinations. The assumption that I made was she didn’t study hard enough and my story was she didn’t care about her study. I labeled her as lazy. I looked for the evidence to support my judgement about her. Sure I can find a lot of evidence; she was watching TV all the time, she was on the phone all day, she was chit chatting with her friends, so on and so forth….

What was my reaction or behavior? I started to fix her since I want her to do well in her SPM examination, qualification required to further her study. I “forced” her to study, limit her TV time, telephone time, etc. However she didn’t score any “A” in the examination. I have to send to private college to do her diploma because she could not get a place at public university (the first choice for most Malaysian parents).

When she was in the college, I always remind her to study hard and get good grade so that she can enter public university. When she came back for semester break; I’ll fix her when it occurred to me that she didn’t study but wasting her time. In semester 5, she only managed to get CGPA of 2.95. CGPA of at least 3.00 is required to be considered for a place in public university. That was when I knew about separating (detaching) the story added from what happened. When I tried it on, my belief changed and I stopped fixing her. I told her that I have confidence in her and believe she will be accepted into public university to do her degree. AND I told her that I love her no matter what happened. She was inspired and no longer be the person I “wanted” her to be (lazy). She managed to get CGPA 3.05 in her final semester (semester 6) examination.