One of my colleagues (Sherry, not real name) came to see me yesterday morning. She looked very angry. I asked her what’s up. She told me that her neighbor, let’s call her Jane, was driving her crazy and what she should do about it.

When I asked her what happened, she told me about the problem she had with the Jane’s cat. Sherry and Jane live next to each other in a neighborhood where the compound surface is covered with tarmac, thus there’s no place for the cat to shit except in the flower pots. All Sherry’s plants died because of the cat’s droppings. She also always found scratches and patches of urine stains on the roof of her car. She complained to Jane about the cat and told her to get a proper cage for it. Jane replied that the cat was not hers.

Yesterday morning Jane asked Sherry where the cat was in a raised voice. Sherry told her that she had sent the cat far away. Jane screamed at Sherry calling her mad woman and threw obscene words and vulgarism at her. They ended up in heated argument. Sherry told me that she can’t stand Jane anymore and wanted to move out from her house.

This is not the first time Sherry had an argument with Jane. It has been going on for quite some time. I asked her to see deep inside what really made her have arguments with Jane. Is it really about the cat’s doing or what Jane had said, or is it something that is hidden from her.

What I saw was both of them wanted to be right. Both of them were trying to proof that they are right, hence the argument.

Sherry’s intention was to keep her flower plants grow healthily and her house look tidy. She was upset because her intention was thwarted by the cat. She expected Jane to look after the cat and give it toilet training. These was communicated in such away that making Jane felt she was “wrong”. Jane defense mechanism was automatically engaged and “the cat was not mine” was the first action.

Sherry response was, “since the cat is a stray cat, I put it away where it belongs”.

Jane point of view was she needs to be kind to the cat, give it food and let it roam freely. Sherry’s action was unacceptable to her, thus she lashed out at her.

My advice to Sherry was for her to give up the need to be right, especially when she is very sure that she is right, and choose kindness. She will feel peaceful inside. You don’t have to worry about defending you are right, which is stressful. I’m not suggesting we should not stand up for what we believe in. But if it is about ego, think again. Do you want to have inner peace or keep the right to be right?

The second point is Sherry wanted to avoid domination by Jane. She wants to be in control of her life, the tidiness of her house and compound, and not being told of what to do. She doesn’t want to be the way Jane wanted her to be. It is so stressful in being controlling or avoiding being controlled. What do I suggested? Just drop it and have inner peace, or you can drag it as long as you like until you feel it is time.

The third thing that got people into argument is the feeling of being invalidated. We want to be important. Sherry felt that the “freedom” of the stray cat is far more important than her wish or desire to have a beautiful compound and environment.

This was not the first time Sherry got into situation like this. There were a few time when she was in the same situation with friends and colleagues. My advice to her, choose. Being right or being happy. The two can’t coexist

Many people said “Money can’t buy happiness”. Have you ever thought otherwise? In yesterday’s posting, I shared that you can find happiness in giving. You can find happiness if you give away money or anything that can make a different in people’s life.

As I was reading today’s (Sunday) local paper, I come across an article “Money Can Buy Happiness, if it’s spent on others”. Hmmm, quite interesting. The article is based on the research done by a team led by Elizabeth Dunn, a psychologist at the University of British Columbia, Vancouver, Canada. The researches found that people who reported spending more money on others were happier.

You can read the article here:

http://afp.google.com/article/ALeqM5itqrYnBRd3HQ9lZjRFSuEDoIl2dg

Many of us postpone our happiness to “someday”. Most of my friends said that they will be happy when their loans have been settled, get promotion, all their kids enrolled into university, their spouses get their act together, get a bigger and nicer house, nicer car, and so on and on.

Thus they work hard to achieve their dream and be happy. When they are busy chasing their dream, their child busy growing up and their parent are growing older. Sadly for them, they missed that part of their life and that “someday” never actually comes. I was also committing the same “sin” in the past. I remember that most of the conversations I have with my peers centered on climbing the corporate ladder. We work until late hours to get noticed and get promoted. We contributed to the company in order to get reward, a raise or a promotion. There were no joy and happiness, only stress.

You and I, we can have happiness in every single moment of our life. It is up to us to choose, to be happy or to be miserable.

There are three factors that can create happiness.

First; you’ll be happy when you receive recognition. You are happy when you are being presented with “Employee on the Year” award, etc.

Second; you’ll be happy when you receive gift or get what you wanted. You are happy when you get your birthday gift, get married, get your dream car, move into dream home, so on and so forth…

Third; you’ll be happy when you can help or make a difference in other people’s life. Why? It is because human beings are wired to make a difference in this world. Thus you’ll be happy when you can do what you are programmed to do. The universe (God) will be fair to you. When you do what you’re wired to do, the universe (God) will make a difference in your life. First thing you’ll get is happiness. Remember, what you give you’ll get back. You give love, you’ll get love. You help others, others will help you. You give money, you’ll get prosperity.

You might probably ask, “I’ve been giving money away for years, but my own prosperity doesn’t seem to grow at all. Is something wrong here?”

Ask yourself why you give away the money. Do you want to look good or avoiding looking bad, or you give away the money because you have to. You’ll get the happiness (and prosperity) when there is no “in order to” in your giving. You give simply because you want to give. That’s the secret.

If you notice, the first and the second happiness factor are not control by you. You depend on others to be happy. Thus, you can’t generate happiness whenever you want it. So you convince your self that “someday” you’ll be happy, and that “someday” never comes.

The third factor is within your control. It is up to you when you want to give. Give whatever and to whomever you want to give and give with little or no expectation. It is not always about money, you can give a helping hand, your love, your concern, your support, your wisdom, etc…

“If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing. If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody.” – Chinese proverb.

“Happiness depends upon ourselves.” – Aristotle.

“Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.” – Cynthia Nelms.

Make a different in people’s life and you’ll be happy. Why? Because that what we are wired for.